How to deal with #criticism of the #anonymous variety for your #debut #novel without letting it kill your #selfesteem and #author #Confident

"Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! You and your work S--k  (rhymes with Yuck)

The lady had only a first name - let's say Amy - and a picture of a Chihuahua  - and she had written an inexplicably short inscrutable one star review on a social network:  "Yuck! Nothing good to say." Or perhaps there was no exclamation point – I must have added that in my mind.

The Chihuahua Lady's words made me nauseous, instantly calling up all those small negative thoughts all of us, especially writers, have.  Well – especially this writer.  Yuck? Really? That dismissive and slightly visceral word stunned me. Nothing good to say about my entire debut novel, a novel that took me more than a few years and more than a few doubt ridden sleepless nights to produce.

I felt short of breath - as if someone punched me in the stomach and let out all the air.  Chihuahua Lady reached out from her little troll hole and spat in my face.  The time on my now glaring computer screen read 1 AM.  Darn, inspired by a lecture given by James Maas, a retired sleep professor from Cornell who now made his money warning retirees (who else had time to attend these seminars) about the dire consequences of lack of sleep – I had promised to quit looking at the computer after 10 PM.  The sleep professor had quite a burgeoning business – selling all of the following at his lectures:  his book, a sleep tracking device, and various pillows and mattresses that promised to keep your body temperature exactly right for deep slumber.  That night, at 2 AM, I bought his book Sleep for Success! Everything You Must Know About Sleep But are Too Tired to Ask and even ordered a pair of Uvex S1933X Skyper Safety Eyewear, Black Frame, SCT-Orange UV Extreme Anti-Fog Lens on Amazon.  However, none of these supplies can keep you from the Internet when a Chihuahua barks a one star review and uses a middle school insult like "Yuck!”

My first instinct was to write back.  Something similarly short and appropriately biting.  I am, after all, a writer.  Something like "Then why say anything, bitch?"  I took a deep breath - no, I would not get engaged with this lady - that would be unprofessional.  I looked through the social space’s rules of engagement and saw that the lady was well within her rights to issue a one sentence rejection of my oeuvre.  Fine, I get it.  We want honesty, even if it is not explained and perhaps hurled with slightly too much enthusiasm in someone else’s direction.  After all, I wrote a book and not a private diary under my pillow!  I looked at the clock - 1:30 AM.  Late.  Already I was giving this person too much brain space.  I was getting into that dangerous delirious jet lagged zone of the middle of the night.  Worse, the kids would start waking up in less than 4 hours, putting my sleep time left at 3 and a half hours.  What would Mr. Sleep Guru say?  Reluctantly, I shut the computer and turned off the kitchen lights.  

In the bedroom, I tripped over a book - Richard Scarry's "Please and Thank You Book." I had been reading this book to to my toddler who loved the chapter titled “Lowly Worm’s Horrid Pests” about badly behaved critters such as the “Litterbug Pest” who throws his rubbish around and “Bully Pest” who picks on small children.  These days, the book should create a section for "Anonymous Mean Chihuahua Pest” who uses the anonymity of the Internet to lash out.  I smiled at my thought.  Take that - Chihuahua Lady!

But the next morning, when I first opened my eyes, the word “Yuck”, immense and flashing as if on a Times Square billboard, stared down at me from the ceiling.  When, bleary eyed and too short with the kids about usual breakfast food picky tantrums, I revealed to my husband I had been up until 2 AM, undone by the cruel "Yuck" - he shook his head.  “Honey - what are you thinking - we have a life to lead! Get a thick skin.  There will be many one or two star reviews ahead!”  Men can be so pragmatic, so simple, and yet - so clueless.  Sure, I knew I needed a thicker skin, but I didn’t care to develop one yet.  First I wanted some more time processing this calamity, some venting to a sympathetic ear or two or three.

One girlfriend listened patiently, in between several business calls and meetings. Another friend luckily escaped my whining by the fortuitous arrival of her daughter on the school pick up line.  I reached out to my former writing teacher and friend - Charles Salzberg, author of the Swann mystery series and also of the true crime thriller Devil in the Hole.  Charles empathized.  He told me he got a two star review from a former student - a review that really hurt.  Charles said that in his opinion, the people who write truly mean reviews have their own issues and, in the anonymous world of the internet, many gain power by making others feel bad.  He also said that, of course, it is the negative reviews that he always feels are true whereas all the positive reviews feel like complete lies.  

This thought struck a chord with me.  I too found it easy to immediately dismiss anything positive anyone said to me about my writing or my book but could quote verbatim any negative reactions.  In her excellent book, "Daring Greatly," Brene Brown speaks of the power of shame – of those long ago voices that made us feel small - being reactivated by the biting remarks or actions of others in the present.  And the author emphasizes how much we as creators of content should value the courage to be vulnerable and putting yourself out there over the actual success or failure of a given effort.  And so, I transformed the voice in my head.  Whenever the destructive "Yuck" rudely barged into my mind - I would change the hurtful word to "Pluck" as in courage.  And so, "Yuck. Nothing good to say" has become "Pluck – it takes courage to have your say!" So far, I think this is working well for me.  I even laugh a bit when I see the review (as I inevitably do when I look at my profile and my book in this space) and yell back at it in my head: “Pluck Pluck Pluck!!!”

How have you handled toxic or not so toxic criticism? Please share your story here.  I would love to learn from you!

By Inna Swinton